Agent Paper Vs
by SirNi
Summary: My book! Give me back my book"rnrnYomiko wants her books and will battle dread villains to keep reading them.
1. Agent Paper vs The Monster Book

"Agent Paper," Joker announced, "this is your new assignment"

"A book?" Yomiko Readman grabbed it. "Oh, thank you"

"This book is borrowed from the Ministry of Magic, Agent Paper. Treat it carefully"

Immediately upon arriving in her fingers the archaic and strongly-bound book started to writhe and struggle like an infuriated cat. Teeth appeared in its seams, forcing Yomiko to hold it awkwardly. Her eyes glazed over and she escaped into its words, reverting into her natural stance.

The book took the obvious opportunity, leaping into the air and throwing Yomiko to the floor. A growl deep in the book tried to scare her away, but Yomiko's attention was too diverted to notice. The two wrestled for control, Yomiko distractedly restraining its teeth as the book used all its strength to break free.

Library Special Forces staff were accustomed to Yomiko's antics. They elegantly dodged the battle and clustered in a hesitant circle around her. Joker smiled at the staff and plucked the book from Yomiko's grip. When she stood up she lifted her head, confused, into theLibrary's applause.  
Yomiko blushed, at the staff's reaction and the satisfying read.

"I loved it, Mr. Joker"

Joker, his eyes wide with shock, waved her away. When he regained his composure he twirled an archaic phone in his fingers.

"Professor Dumbledore?" he said. "I think I know how to reclaim the Invisible Books of Invisibility..."


	2. Agent Paper vs the Xenomorph

Civilians shuttled themselves around the mousy librarian Yomiko Readman, rustling her coat. Squirrels and chipmunks crawled over her feet. Vehicles kicked dust off the road, onto the sidewalk, onto her coat - and onto the pages of her book. She rubbed the dust off its pages and only then realised its words had gone blurry.

Yomiko took her glasses off with one hand and rubbed them off on her coat. Her book suddenly shook. She clutched it tighter in her other hand. She had dealt with the Monster Book of Monsters early in her Library Special Ops training. It shook again, and this time fell out of her grip. She quickly replaced her glasses, looked down, and ducked back.

The book thrashed violently on the ground, battling an unusual internal force. A distorted face appeared in the center of its cover, and suddenly a shiny black exoskeleton loomed over it. The alien shoveled the book up in its sharp claws. Yomiko sighed in relief at the book's survival.

The alien's long snout hissed. "Thank you for the gift, Agent Paper"

"That's my book!" Yomiko shrieked.

The alien's long legs swiveled and it started to walk away. "It's mine now!"

Yomiko took a notepad from her coat pocket, and with a simple flick made it into a stiletto dagger. "I'm not done with it!" She flung the dagger toward the alien's back. The dagger stuck into one of its scales, and the alien tripped her with its long tail.

She clutched the tail and started to crawl along it. Though the alien hissed and tried to shake her off, Yomiko drew close to its back, retrieved the dagger, and plunged it into a fleshy spot under its neck. As acid squirted out she dove away, landed smoothly on her feet, and offered a hand to the alien.  
"Now will you give me back my book"

Like a beached whale, the alien flipped onto its back. The book was still in its grip, and the acid had eaten through its cover. "Noooo!" Yomiko yelped.

She flipped to the last chapter. It was still intact.

At least she could finish the story.


	3. Agent Paper vs Lina Inverse

The red-haired girl laid her hands on her hips. "Let me through"

Yomiko didn't notice the girl. She didn't notice anything. She was in a completely different world - she was reading.

"I said," the redhead repeated, "let me through"

Yomiko gasped, absorbed in her book.

The girl chanted. "Explosion - "

"Oh NO!" Yomiko yelped, flipping a page. "This is getting exciting"

" - Array"

A column tried to explode from the ground. Yomiko doubled back, drew a notepad from her pocket, and created a paper shield. One of the most notorious spells in all reality, by one of the most notorious sorceresses in all reality, blew around Yomiko like a high wind, rustling her coat for a second. It settled and Yomiko lifted an eye over her reading material.

"Are you trying to hurt my book"

"I'm trying to hurt YOU. Get outta my way"

"Trying to hurt me?" Yomiko asked. She blinked and lowered her eyes. "I'm only trying to read"

"Does -nothing- distract you"

Yomiko flipped a page.

"All right," the sorceress growled. "Dragon - "

"Is that fire?" Yomiko tossed her book as far as she could throw and drew an index card.

"- Slave"

Yomiko was flung to the side - next to her book, luckily - and the redhead took a sharp index card to the chest.

The redhead looked down and walked away. "Insult to injury - that hurt"

Yomiko sprawled in the crackling grass, her coat singed and her hair burnt. As soon as her twitching was over she crawled over and grabbed her book. She knew how far to throw books, and again, she had succeeded. It had survived.


End file.
